As I sit here and write this, I think dating these days period is my absolute least favorite thing to do as a human being in this world. In fact, I would hazard a guess that most people pretty much hate dating, especially in today’s world of instant gratification and brutally ruthless rejection. Gone are the days when you would pass a note to someone, telling them you liked them, and to check yes or no to let you know whether they liked you back. Heck, you barely have to even speak to people anymore…just swipe left or right according to who looks good to you at the moment. It’s like the new trend of a pre-screening audition; an audition to make sure you’re ready for an audition, often with no feedback! You’re simply swiped into a pile of acceptance or rejection, based on factors that are, sometimes, completely aleatory.

All these frustrations are compounded exponentially when you’re simultaneously trying to pursue/maintain a career in an industry rife with the same insecurities and rejections that go hand-in-hand with dating.

Make no mistake, even though you’re collaborating and meeting new people all the time and sometimes doing ridiculously intimate things on stage with those people you’ve just met, being an artist can sometimes be the loneliest thing ever (more on this in another column)! When the loneliness gets the best of you, you go searching. Some go for the quick fix; absolutely no judgement there! Others hold out hope for the one great. Either way, both types usually have a rough go of it.

Why? Well, let me shed a sliver of light on at least three of my personal difficulties/neurosis (that I’m sure are shared by others) that make dating as an artist the super duper worst.

1. Schedules

THIS! THIS RIGHT HERE!! I’m sure you’ve seen those t-shirts that say “I can’t. I have rehearsal.” You know what? That’s real! The absolute hardest thing is actually figuring out when you can meet someone. This is true regardless of whether or not someone is single. And over the past 3 years or so, I have discovered this new thing where people will ask you what you’re doing right that minute, or the very same evening. For some reason, this new thing is to appear cool or super busy and desirable by not wanting to plan anything??

Yeah, no.

This won’t work with most artists. Well, not me anyway. Why not? Most of us keep very strange hours (not quite doctors hours) and because we only get our schedules a day in advance, or at most, maybe a week. Also, just in case you’re reading this and you’re not an artist…it’s not easy. None of it! Musicians, dancers, actors, directors, stage managers, crew, admin…and everyone else work very hard. Theater time includes incredibly long hours that require physical and mental focus. Personally, if you text last minute asking me if I want to “hang” and I’ve already made it home and out of my rehearsal clothing and onto the sofa, chances are slim to none that I will see you…unless you are someone really special. However, if Netflix has been started, then forget it!

2. Risk of Rejection and Visible Discomfort

Have you ever spent time getting all dressed up because you’re excited and hoped you were going to run into someone you liked and then thought to yourself, “What the HECK am I doing? It’s not gonna happen!” Well, that’s what it’s like when you spend years of your life, and thousands of your dollars, and countless hours of time practicing to walk into a room to audition only to be summarily dismissed after just one piece. Ouch! It hurts and you have to do it again and again.
It can hardly come as any wonder that when you spend so much of your life being constantly rejected professionally, you’re in no rush to pursue the same in your personal life. To do so can give you a crazy! I can say that many times during this dating game, I’ve been standing in front of my mirror with a handful of hair on the curling iron and thought “Why am I doing this?” “Will this guy be different?” “Will he understand that I’m humming aria snippets because I’m nervous?” “Oh crap, someone keeps sneezing and I’m covering my face again. He definitely noticed. Whatever, I have a show next week. I’m taking no chances!” And these are just some of the thoughts that run through your head while you’re trying to be smooth, sexy, and charming.

3. Travel

One of the absolute best things about a life in the arts is the travel that it can afford you. The opportunity to see a place you’ve never seen and do it while you’re performing is intoxicating!! Unfortunately, I’ve had a guy reject me before the first date after he found out that I sing and travel and must be away for months at a time. “I want someone to be here, to be stationary, to make a home with.” I don’t blame him one bit. It’s nice to have a constant in your life. The thought of being somewhere for longer than 2-3 years is heavenly! Most people are looking for some consistency in one form or another. And, the longer I’m in this business, the more I feel the desire for roots to take hold somewhere. On the flip side of this, there are times when you are on a gig and you meet someone great, only to have to break the news to them that you’re only a temporary resident and will be leaving in four weeks for another destination that isn’t your home. In fact, you don’t have an official residence anywhere because you’re never in one place long enough to warrant the signing of a lease.

But in spite of all the many trials of trying to balance a professional and private life as an artist, there is something still inescapable about the magical prospect of getting it right. Like landing that major part that you know in your soul will change your career for the better, it is exciting to still hope that, while getting ready and dancing in front of the mirror, the next one could be the one.
Seriously, just check yes.