Homesick is something you need to live in order to understand.

The feeling of abandonment is something you can’t imagine, or write about, there is no such expression to understand it, if you haven’t lived it first.

Is the lost of your securities, it is seeing that pillar you thought indestructible crack, is losing your main support, is not having control of your own balance, of your stability.

I left my house as a child and “good bye after good bye” i was finally confronted with the pain of separation.

But gradually, it hurt no more, it became habitual.

And now, now I don’t know how to cry any more, or hug, I can not even say “I miss you”. I don’t know how to show affection… because affection is something you lose, as you lose your house.

I have distrusted love and have changed my visage, from an innocent child in to an incredulous woman.

I can not tell the passing of time, per se already subjective, one second I am with you, and next is just loneliness.

I get lost in memories of those four white walls, colors are mixed up in my remembrances; I push my memory, I would like to keep it alive.

The sense of smell is my on my side.

Smells evoke memories, the kind a picture would not be able to bring back, the kind that only stay alive in a dreamers soul.

For those who dream of returning but know that never will.

Homesick never leaves you, it does not soften over time and can not be suppress by willpower, it stays there, and becomes a part of you.

Some things just fly away with the wind; I would like to be taken by one of those streams. I would like  my smile to come back each time I think of you, but I don’t call; to be able to hold you in my arms when you are afraid, to live our life together.

But that is not the way it is, neither would be.

I actually already accepted that this distance is nothing but an awareness of something that i have. Only space separates me from you.

But you exist, far far away, but there you are.

And when you are aware, despite of the lack, you are able to smile.

Some times I would give up, change my path, abandon my dreams because on my own, I feel I can’t succeed.

I am aware that the courage I saw in the eyes of my close ones is also within me. I will grow, and doubts will slip away, I can pick up my life.

And never the less, here I am.

Today, distance, is my strength.